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Clinically reviewed by Katie Dobinson
Effective communication can help to improve relationships, reduce negative thinking patterns, and bring a sense of calm. When you know how to express your needs and set healthy boundaries it's easier to maintain healthy relationships.
For many of us, communicating clearly when we might not always agree with someone else can bring up feelings of anxiety, and that’s okay! With practice, you can build resilience and start to experience the positive that come to relationships by expressing yourself with calm confidence.
Personal boundaries involve the limits we set for ourselves in our daily actions as well as in relationships. Boundaries are not a negative thing – in fact, setting clear, healthy boundaries can maintain and strengthen relationships, leaving both parties feeling respected and understood.
What are boundaries, and how do I communicate mine to others?
To identify your own boundaries, reflect on your values. What do you need to prioritise for your own wellbeing, and to maintain valued relationships? Our boundaries can also be influenced by changes in our life, for example when we are busy with family or work demands, we may need to communicate boundaries that we have less energy for socialising during a discrete period.
Boundaries help to let your loved ones, colleagues and broader social circle know where you’re at, and they can shift over time.
When we are experiencing stress, it might mean that your personal boundaries are firmer, and it can help to inform those around you what you need during these times. Setting boundaries is also helpful when experiencing poor treatment from others, for example, if experiencing a microaggression.
Here are some examples you might find useful:
- “I’ve been going through a stressful period at work lately, so I need to take some more time for myself to rest and focus on my health. Unfortunately I won’t be able to make it to sport training this month, thanks for understanding. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to join again.”
- “I know that it’s important for us to connect at the end of the day, but I’ve been feeling run down lately. At the moment I need to take a few minutes for quiet and relaxation, but I’d love to talk to you after my evening walk. Would that be okay?”
- “I can hear you have a lot going on at the moment and you need some one to talk to. I really care about you and I want to support you, I’m just dealing with some challenges myself at the moment so my cup is pretty full. I’m sorry I’m not able to hold space as I usually do, but I’d love to drop off a meal to you next week if that’s okay?”
- "I felt uncomfortable when you said that. I’m going to need you to stop saying that. If you don’t stop, I will need to leave this situation.”
Top Tips:
Practice using “I” statements to calmly and assertively communicate your thoughts and feelings, rather than “you” statements. This makes it easier for the other person to hear what you have to say without feeling upset or defensive, and also makes it easier for you to communicate something that might be difficult.
For example:
“I understand you’re trying to help, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the questions you’re asking me. I would find it helpful if we could change the subject, and I will reach out to you if I want to discuss things further.”
“I am feeling hurt at the moment and I need some space to take care of myself.”
It’s important to keep an open and relaxed demeanor, and accept that the person you’re communicating with will have their own set of values and boundaries too. Remain open and listen to what they have to say. Communicating your boundaries can lead to helpful conversations, negotiations, and a deeper understanding of one another.
When you employ assertiveness elegantly, you communicate your boundaries, respect your needs and create a respectful environment for yourself and others.
Remember that it takes time and practice to cultivate the skills to communicate boundaries.
To learn more about effective communication, take a look at our handy infographic, Five Effective Ways to Express Your Needs.
Related: Boundary Setting During the Holiday Season